xstarkravinsadx

Waking Dead....

Thu, 01 Jul 2004 00:47:54 GMT

I'm tired of waking up feeling dead. I wish I felt as though my life had some purpose. I can't say I feel like living at the moment. I'm so sick of having to battle through everyday of my life. It's like if I'm happy for a moment, some force has to drag me back to misery. I hate it. I want to be happy. I wish I had hope. I wish there was a glimmer of true happiness ahead. I don't see it. I'm not living for myself anymore. I'm only alive for one thing: to make everyone else happy. I've tried to make myself happy. Never worked. So I'm just gonna see if this works out. But it probably won't, like everything else. Life isn't really terrible, it just has no meaning. I guess i'll get back to this later. Love you Amber. bye all

darkness fades to night.....

Fri, 25 Jun 2004 23:12:52 GMT

I'm not quite sure what i'm feeling. I kind of feel a little emotionless at the moment. I still feel like i'm just something for the rest of the world to shit on. I feel like my only purpose is to be made fun of, to be tortured, and to live out the rest of my life in turmoil. I wish i knew what to do. Nothing I do ever works out right. I can't make relationships work for shit. Not just with the opposite sex, with anyone. I wonder if there is something about me that turns people away. Am i too nice? My thing is I don't care about myself. All I ever try to do is make other people happy. In doing that, I usually end up happy. Fuck it. I'm really getting tired of life itself. It's a game, a sick joke. Life's a garden, dig it. Crock of shit. Oh well. Yet again, tired of feeling sorry for myself. Goodbye all.

Why do I continue to endure.....

Fri, 25 Jun 2004 00:41:38 GMT

I seriously think I'm fucking cursed. I know most of the shit I have done was my own fucking fault. I guess I'm gonna spend the rest of my fucking life paying for it. I supposedly was hired for a job, then they call me and tell me I'm not needed. Fuck that. You don't fucking play games like that. I'm desperately fending off having to go "away" for a while, and the one thing I really need as a reason not to, a job, seems fucking untangeable. I am constantly battling my emotions and trying to get by. So what I'm bipolar, I think this shit would drive anyone crazy. On top of all of this, the more I try to make up for my past by being generous and kind to all of the world, the more I get shit on. It seems like no matter what I do, I'm destined to spend the rest of my life in absolute fucking turmoil. I'm tired of living like this. I just wish I could get away from my past. THAT WASN'T ME!!! I guess I'm fucked for life though. Anyways, I'm done feeling sorry for myself. Fuck all, goodnight. Oh yeah, love you Amber, not sarcastic.

Not sure if all this is entirely correct...

Thu, 24 Jun 2004 13:02:06 GMT

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	53.3% Explored the pleasures of the flesh	65.1%
Shamelessness	69% It takes a couple of drinks	79.4%
Sex Drive	60.5% A fool for love, but not always	77.7%
Straightness	21.4% Knows the other body type like a map	44.8%
Gayness	100%	83.6%
Fucking Sick	77% Refreshingly normal	90%
You are 62.15% pure Average Score: 72.7%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

Alcohol, heavy metal, and myself......

Thu, 24 Jun 2004 09:23:23 GMT

Well, for starters......you could say i'm in the club gettin tipsy. Actually my bro's apartment. Ain't nothin better than rum, coke, and Fear and Loathing. I feel my life is slowly improving. Ever since the drugs and shit, it's kind of like every few days my life takes a wrong turn. I think I'm nearing what i think is my ideal for being "happy".Amber's the shit. I'd say she's ideal; smart, beautiful, outgoing, down to earth, caring....k i'm done. Well not really, but i'm afraid I'm bein corney. Anyways, we're not together at the moment, even though we kind of are, but no title, as she puts it. Makes since to me. I think evytang is gonna be otay. I hope so. Amber means more to me than most things right now. It's good to have someone to love. Especially as much as I love her. I think I would literally do anything for her. I just hope she can say even say half of this stuff about me. I think I make her happy and her happy equals kyle happy. I'm dealing with my mental "condition" alright lately. Although I still have a little too much depression, and i still yell and blow up a little too much for my taste, Amber would definitely say the same. It's kind of my fault we're not goin out at the moment. She hates it when I yell(unerstandably) and i don't consider her feelings before I do it. I'm getting better, although it takes insane patience and a whole shiteload of medicine. I'm doin just fine right now though. Just hope the DA don'e try to take my baby away(Ramone's knock-off).By that i actually mean send me to NE Texas. I'm confident I can give some soul to the Texas Judicial System. LIttle too heartless for me. Oh well...maybe it's not so bad.....okay, sorry, giggle break.Anyway, enough for tonight. Good Morning, Texas. I'm still drunk. Bye all. "Do you suck dicks, Private. Are you a queer? I bet you could suck a fucking golfball through a garden hose." -Full Metal Jacket "We drive tonight and you are by my side. We're talking about our lives like known eachother forever." -Matchbook Romance